Reflecting on 1 Year
Who would've thought?? (Spoiler: I did)
My goal was to write this while I was on a beach in Mexico last week, reflecting on my relationship with my boyfriend (Cameron). But I was having too much fun enjoying myself, and now I’m back behind my desk at home. Even so, the reflection remains the same.
To give some context—we celebrated our first year together last week (although, in my mind, we’ve been together much longer). To be completely honest, I’ve never reached this milestone before. I used to think that was something to be embarrassed about, especially as I got older. But reflecting on my past experiences with others, I’ve come to accept that getting to this point was never meant to happen with those people.
Looking back on how I entered this relationship, I wasn’t sure if it would work with him either, and that uncertainty was all on me.
I didn’t see it as baggage at the time because I didn’t think I had any. But I can now admit that previous romantic experiences (I don’t even like to call them relationships) led me to approach this one with what I call my “less attractive” self. By that, I don’t mean bad or undesirable, but we’re often socialized to present our best selves—especially in relationships. We aim to highlight our “most appealing” qualities when meeting someone new. Over time, authenticity starts to peek through, and eventually, the façade fades completely.
But every time—and I genuinely mean this—every time I showed even a glimpse of my “less attractive” qualities, things ended. Whenever I dropped the mask of being demure, agreeable, overly supportive, and palatable to reveal the real me—hyper communicative, sensitive, opinionated, bossy, open-minded, but still a little judgmental—the relationship was over. It happened so fast it left me with emotional whiplash. Looking back, I can admit these experiences left me feeling insecure, but mostly bitter.
And I (begrudgingly) admit that I carried those feelings into this relationship and took them out on my Cameron. By that, I mean I led with my “less attractive” qualities. He didn’t get to see my sweet, sensitive, or supportive side at first. I think I overcorrected by only showing the parts of me that had been rejected before. I told myself that if he couldn’t accept those parts, then he doesn’t deserve me at all. I still believe that’s true, but I was genuinely shocked when he did. Though, considering our star signs, I probably shouldn’t have been.
I didn’t start writing this piece with the intention of creating some fluffy “you’ll find the one” narrative—that’s not me. I was a happy single woman and have always believed that, in straight relationships, men tend to benefit more than women.
Still, I wrote this because I’m in love, and it has been transformative in ways I didn’t expect. My views on straight relationships, men, and the patriarchy remain unchanged, but I would be doing Cameron and our relationship a disservice if I didn’t acknowledge how much love, laughter, friendship, and personal growth have come out of it.
This relationship has made me a better person—and I NEVER expected that to happen.
So to Cameron — it’s inevitable that we adopt the habits and traits of those we’re closest to, and for me, that person is you (and I wouldn’t want it any other way)*. I’m deeply grateful to be with someone who has so many wonderful qualities—it was almost inevitable that I would improve because of them.
I’m not someone who believes strongly in fate or destiny, and I’m not particularly religious. What I know is that we make decisions and those decisions form our next decision. And I feel like you and I coming together was a really good decision (and the stars agree).
xxxx,
BAM
*this piece is only about my romantic relationship so please don’t imply that my romantic relationship is the only significant relationship in my life.